Alton Brown said it best when he coined the phrase "There are no uni-taskers in my kitchen". Finding secondary uses for items one already owns adds cost-effectiveness and efficiency to today's fast-paced life. This creative way of thinking has led many great men and women to find new uses for existing tools or engineer improvements to them to better humankind. Where would we be without the addition of the eraser to the pencil? The claw to the the hammer? To a lesser extent, how about the spork? Yes, innovative thinking has taken us far into what we know as modern society.
Innovation is ever evolving. Even organic, if you will. Today's technically minded soul can find ways to make even the simplest of items "Classy".
Now, innovation can not support itself in a Classy environment. Common sense will usually step in and protect it from Class. This is where your Class gets a boost from his good ole buddies Irrational Spontaneity & Unsatisfied Curiosity. This is the emotional jetpack that you feel in the pit of your stomach fighting common sense, causing sweating spells, and ending with a trip to the ER. Embrace it. It fuels Class. This is the exact cocktail one needs to walk on the grass, push the red button, or enter the foreboding door. And speaking of cocktails, several of those will help, too.
For example: You decide to go take a shower. You get naked. Feelin a bit tipsy? No worries, a shower always helps. Oops, you tripped on your way to the bathroom. It's okay. You didn't fall. Nothing hurt but your pride a little. What the hell was that that you tripped over? Oh, the central vacuum hose. Probably should have put that away after cleaning the bedroom. Still feeling tipsy? Yep. Too much? Too little? Or just the right amount to be feeling frisky and Classy. Oh, yeah. That's it.
Say, that vacuum is kinda phallic. And it has a hole. And suction. Speaking of magic combinations...
Now that the head of your penis is suctioned to the end of the hose, you realize the hole is way too small and this is probably not going to work. All you have accomplished is recreating the sound of someone desperately slurping through a straw to savor that last drop of "Mountain Dew". It is at this time you also realize that the vacuum hose has a dial to increase the suction. Maybe that will help. Let's give it a little twist.
...to maximum power.
You will now notice that your spleen has decided to escape the confines of your abdomen and is making break for it by way of your urethra. The whistling you hear is air permeating through your anus in the wrong direction. That problem will solve itself as your asshole slams shut upon a butt-cheek getting lodged in it. With your biological pressure relief valve officially on the disabled list, the vacuum is now free to choke down your member like a goose with a pretzel rod. The vibrations you feel are your testicles slapping against your grundle (heh) with blinding fury.
It is at this point you realize that this may be a failed experiment and go for the power button and the suction adjustment dial.
Now released from the apparatus, you are free to run in circles shouting "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!".
Congratulations, you have earned a "purple heart". You will receive it the following morning once all of the damaged blood vessels have finished bleeding out.
Human ingenuity will take us far. We will always have the innovative to survey inventions like the centralized vacuum system and say "Oh, how nice. That is an efficient way to clean my floor. And what a nice selling feature". Whereas his/her Classier counterpart would say "Oh hell yeah! I know can fuck that."
The public educational system has really become an outdated concept. It is not taken seriously by anyone. And, nothing relevant to today's fast paced lifestyle is even taught. The average $12K / year earner can easily pick up all of the necessary life-skills (or skillz) in his/her day-to-day life. This is evident in the following intercepted chat log. Please enjoy while I move my couch to the front porch to drink a 40 and contemplate the fabric of society.
Woman A (narrative):
"Here is the first message I got from her-she is so stupid."
"Calvin gona be mad i did dis but idc at dis point. Let me say i dnt have a
problem wit u im not startin drama im just askin u women 2 women after this ill
neva say nothing else 2 u. I hope i get an honest answer if i get one at all.
All i wana know honestly is wats da deal wit u n him? Cuz from da looks of it
yea. Im tried of our friends questioning me n i dnt got an answer i dnt wana
look n feel like a fool anymore. Sry 2 bother u i just need 2 know."
Woman A (Narrative):
"We went back and forth a few times....And then she told me she wasn’t dumb and I
lost it. I went off on her and called her a dumb bitch. She made up a bunch of
stuff & twisted everything around. She and Calvin got into a fight. He pushed her and grabbed her arm 1 time and
that was to defend himself because she hit him first."
"Ok i made him happy i left becuz he put his hands on me number of times n no i
aint gota explain myself but he had da choice 2 divorce me n he said now n u
cant be dat good cuz he alway was wit me n is now n alway will be if u was wit
him he cheated on u 2 cuz like i said we been sleepin 2gether da whole time n
hangin out n dats y we movin back in 2gether idc wat u think u dnt know da real
calvin i do. N dat y he tell me he love me n miss me everyday thank u so act
like u know shit. N u eva say sumthing like dat 2 me have balls 2 say it 2 my
face n then try n c wat kinda women i am he played u so dnt act like u sweet cuz
u really aint."
Am I tight enough for you?
What do you mean exactly?
When you are in me, is it tight or can you tell I have had two kids?
Plenty tight. When I shove both of my hands inside your vag, I can't clap.
The other day I stopped at the local pharmacy near my house to pick up some vitamins and such. The particular vicinity of the pharmacy is in a rather nice part of the suburban Detroit area. I chose to live in this area because the crime was low, the homes were affordable, and there was a very noticeable lack of
trashy "classy" people resident. I love writing about classy people, but I certainly do not want to live around them. I lived with Classy Lee himself for almost a year, so I already met my lifetime quota of class. Anyway, the area I live in is a nice middle class neighborhood with none of the riffraff of some of the downriver suburban communities. On this cold and blustery winter day in suburbia, I stumbled upon a classy looking fellow as I walked out of the store. This guy was wearing jean pants and a jean jacket, with a black baseball cap and a disheveled demeanor. He was standing still just outside of the entrance way blocking the door for approaching customers smoking a cigarette before entering the store. The classy looking female counterpart was already in the store chatting with the guy standing outside as the automatic door stayed open letting a cold rush of air in to the store.
As surprising as this may sound, some people actually go to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions and other drugs because they may be sick. During this cold and flu season, a lot of customers go the store to pick up the necessary items to treat their symptoms. It seems considerate for the man in the Canadian tuxedo to leave the door open to let cigarette smoke and cold air rush in to the store for all of the sick customers to enjoy as they buy their Vitamin C and Zinc supplements. This guy is reading pretty high on my "class" meter.
As I walked out the exit, the meter went off the charts. He flicks his still lit cigarette on to the ground and walks in to the store. The cigarette is still giving off smoke as it rolls in front of my feet, less than a meter away from a cigarette ashtray outside of the store. The guy could have put it out in the receptacle designed for post-cigarette-smoking events such as the one described, but he had to class it up and litter my town with his
trashy classy disregard for anyone but himself.
I love Michigan. I have lived here my entire life. There are a lot of great places to visit and the state has a very rich history. I recently visited a hidden gem of the state known as the Manistee National Forest to go backpacking (Grundle was there too), located on the northwest side of the lower peninsula. The forest is absolutely beautiful, but the locals around there are a little off. Perhaps growing up in a suburban environment has skewed my world view, but the people around this area make me feel extremely out of place. After leaving the trail Grundle and I were tired and very hungry from a long day of backpacking. We decided to stop at the one fine dining establishment in town - the McDonald's. I normally never eat fast food, especially McDonalds, but after burning close to 2500 calories from backpacking I would eat anything. We are sitting down enjoying our deliciously sugary Cokes, salty fries, and mediocre burgers as we soak in the local fare. Between the grizzled old men complaining to the cashiers about paying taxes for processed foods, the homely and overweight lady walking around wearing sweatpants too small with a torn t-shirt and hiking boots, and the group of hunters gathered around discussing their hate for minorities (probably), we notice a car parked outside that could rival the Classmaster GT.
A late model Mercury Grand Marquis happened to be stranded in a parking spot from a catastrophic front-driver-side suspension failure. I am no mechanic, but I do understand cars enough to know that these things just do not happen out of nowhere. There are usually warning signs that one's suspension is having issues, e.g. vibrations, rust, strange noises, poor alignment, and a rough ride. The strangest thing about this car was that it appeared to have been parked when the suspension failure occurred. There was no way this car could have been driven to McDonald's like this. The tire in-motion rubbing against the steel fender-well would have surely shredded the rubber, and the lack of steering alone would have made driving impossible. This car must have had a post-park suspension failure while the owner was in mid-chew of his McDouble.
Grundle and I watched through the window as the owner went out to inspect his car. He had a close resemblance to Chris Farley while wearing sweatpants and an over-sized NWO t-shirt (Oh man, remember the NWO? Remember 1997?). He was laying on the ground for a couple couple of minutes until he realized that he needed to find another ride quickly if he is to go home to watch reruns of Hollywood Hogan and the Wolfpac. In sheer confusion regarding what had happened to this 'Merican made luxury sedan, our local Macho Man Randy Savage hitched a ride with his female sweatpants counterpart.
Ladies and gentleman, I dub this car, the Classmaster LTD.
Who doesn't like to have the interior of their home decorated? Let's face it, a few pictures on the wall, some plants or flowers, and a valance will bring needed warmth to your home and give visitors a reflection of the Classy person you are.
However, it is common to get bored with the same ole theme day after day. Classy Lee recommends seasonal decorating. Snowflakes and x-mas trees in Winter. Flowers in Spring and Summer, for example. And Autumn, well Autumn is the time that everything dies. Nothing happy about that. Dead leaves, hay bails, and crunchy brown cornstalks are neither appealing to look at on any level.
"What can I do to remedy this debacle of Fall Feng-Shui" you ask? The answer is simple. Just add a touch of Class.
Perhaps the addition of a chrome pole?
Ah, the holiday season. With Thanksgiving down, we're right in the thick of it. There's a certain feeling in the cold, crisp air as classy people who only leave their homes one day a year to interact awkwardly with other humanoids come crawling out of the woodwork. That feeling of course, is CLASS. Some people choose to go out and weather the storm of happy, cheerful, not-at-all-stressed shoppers in an effort to buy Dad that classy character tie with the LEDs on it, or to get Mom that egg separator they've always wanted or to get junior Australian Dick Wrestling's Greatest Moments 32 on Blu-Ray. Others will shop for Christmas presents the way God intended us to purchase presents to celebrate His son's birthday; via the power of teh Intertubes!
You can find just about anything on the Internet. Classy gifts abound. One struck me as the ultimate in class. What do you get the person who has everything? Poop. Yes, that's right. Poop. http://www.poopgift.com sells chocolate in the shape of a "human-sized" dookie. It comes in multiple flavors - milk chocolate, dark chocolate, and white chocolate. Furthermore, you can order your pseudo-poo with nuts or butterscotch chips. Of course, the truly classy among us would spring for the extra gourmet flavoring. Each order appears to be shipped in a box with the chocolate turd wrapped in toilet paper and with a bottle of water (?!). For that added touch of class, you can personalize a message to be printed on a card. In addition to holidays, birthdays or jokes, the website also claims that the gift of poo is perfect for weddings and apologies. What better way to let your newlywed wife know that she has correctly chosen the classiest of mates than by surprising her with a box of toilet paper and a butterscotch milk chocolate turd?
Remember kiddies; when it comes to giving, it's the thought AND the gift that counts. Nobody wants to be gifted something they don't want, and let's face it; only the non-classiest of people will be ungrateful with edible feces in a box.
There is nothing as enjoyable as the humid conditions of SE Michigan. The weather year round is perfect for giving your skin that subtle clammy feeling, your clothing the ability to ride to places normally unseen, and the necessary frizz to make even the smallest mullet (still very popular in MI) have the necessary body to say "Fuckin-A right I party".
Yet, for some reason there seems to be a collective of persons that do not seem to enjoy the fore-mentioned weather. Rather than revel in sticky goodness, they prefer to purchase and maintain costly air conditioning units. Clearly, they are the un-Classy. However, with a few simple instructions these folks too can become the coveted "Classy".
Sooner or later the A/C will break. Why? Because you live in an apartment complex. It is inevitable. Apartment management firms are the cheapest of the cheap. They even put The Itis to shame. (Sorry, Itis. Genetics are a bitch.) First of all, your A/C was probably originally rated to only cool a small pull-behind pop-up camper. Secondly, it has been broken before. A lot. Why? Because it was originally installed in 1966 when this was a cutting edge establishment full of white-collared professionals. Since then, your glorified box-fan has been torn down and reassembled with a myriad of non-OEM parts to include a garden hose, miles of duct tape, and 6.2 Kg of cotter pins.
How do I Class this system up you ask? Well, with it not being your automobile, adding 42 inch "dubs" and a kick -ass boom system won't do it. Instead, we at Classy Lee recommend the following:
1. Wait till the fan motor goes out. Won't be long. You can only repack motor bearings with vegetable shortening for so long.
2. When it does go, turn it down to 60 degrees so it continues to run all day sans air flowing through the evaporator coils.
3. Leave town for the weekend.
4. Call maintenance first thing Monday morning.
When (and if) the maintenance gent shows, he will be astounded to discover you Classiness in the form of a giant block of ice where your air intake used to be.
OPTIONAL: Stick a bottle of beer (brand is your choice) in there on day 1 or 2. It will become ensconced in ice and make the thawing process that much more exciting for your maintenance professional. If it is a brand he or she likes, then it may just get a laugh. Marty (Mrs. Grundle's maint prof.) thought that it was amusing. If not, then you will probably get the ole "Well, I need to order parts for this. They have not made this unit in over 40 years so, I need to special order them from Pakistan. Should be in around Halloween. Happy Memorial Day, fucker."
Yep, this is another bike post. Deal with it. I need to vent. I came across three classy motorists today that were all very close to ruining my day (and my bike). As I have mentioned in a previous post, I carefully plan out my bike routes to avoid busy and unsafe roads. Sadly, all three of these incidents occurred on 25 MPH residential streets that I would consider safe.
1. Some Dumb Chick - I'm cruising at about 20 MPH as some girl backs her SUV out of her driveway and in to the street. I can clearly tell that she does not know how to drive this SUV because she had a hard time backing out and judging where the front end of the vehicle was to straighten out without hitting another car parked near the curb. For the record, I strongly believe that most people should have to take a special road test before purchasing large vehicles. How else are they going to manage texting and changing the song on the iPod (or iPhone, since you cannot use it to make phone calls and are stuck with only using it for music) while occasionally paying attention to the road without a proper test? Anyway, she backs out without seeing me so I have to slow down. Normally when people back out as I am approaching there is plenty of distance for me to slow down a little bit until the car ahead reaches the appropriate speed and I can continue with my normal pace. In this situation the girl took her sweet old time to put the car in a forward gear so I nearly had to come to a stop. She only accelerates up to about 5 MPH. About 5 seconds later she stops in the road diagonally and puts the car in reverse. I quickly navigate around the car to the right, and gave the girl a "WTF" look and yelled at her. I forgot what I said, but I am sure it was not nice. As I was giving her the "WTF" look she was laughing at me. Down the road a bit I look behind me and see that the girl pulled in to a different driveway just a few houses down from where she left. I suppose walking would have been too much effort on such a nice day. I am still really confused about what happened here.
2. Cell Phone Guy - This one is pretty straight forward. I am at a stop sign at a 3-way intersection. I see a guy in a minivan driving by looking down at his cell phone for a good few seconds. If I would have turned on to that road 10 seconds earlier he would have been behind me, and who knows what could have happened. I am kind of glad Michigan bans texting while driving, but it certainly does not ban a case of "The Dumb".
3. Some Guy That Hates His Life - This was an odd one. I am riding east down a relatively wide street. The driver in question is going west. We are not in each other's way at all. He sees me and lays on the horn for a good ten seconds. I have experienced many situations where drivers behind me have honked because they have a massive over-entitlement complex and think they own the road, especially when I am going a measly 20 MPH and they want to speed through a residential area at well over 25 MPH. How much does one have to hate life to project one's frustrations at the world toward someone who is out enjoying the weather and getting some exercise?